The Alien In Me.

Like a fatalistic pit, I see a hole forming in the heart. There are fragments of ugliness and of scarred words. Is the hole black? No! Sadly, it projects no colour, no hue. It is impassive and stoic. It doesn't respond to emotions, to love and gladness, to aggression and pain. It lacks each one of them. And in the process of recovering from the jolt of revelation, the mind doodles various patterns of the ever most random questions and doubts. I am absolutely horrified the way it is engulfing me in a lethal trap of mistakes, wrong decisions, and dominant anger. And the worst part, I cannot pull myself out of it. Out of the unwanted part which I am afraid, might swallow all of me.

Because I have this strong feeling pertaining to ignorance. Because I don’t know how the alien incepted. And I am blinded because I did not witness the incessant growth of the hole.

Tell me that it is a hoax. That it doesn't own perpetuity.

Because perhaps it intricately concatenates the girl I thought I am and the girl I actually am. Or perhaps the drawbridge is weakening as the impassiveness hikes. The beliefs I proudly caressed are being shadowed, like they never belonged to me. And I am scared. I am scared of what I am turning into.

I have never felt this vulnerable. The road was always clear and unambiguous. There was no blurry or misty vision which could divert me from knowing myself, from introspection. I knew what my heart had to say. The morals it had on which every block of decision was kept were distinct in my mind. Every little belief was due to the awareness of who I am and what I seek.

Have I depreciated? Maybe. This ignorant girl doesn’t have an answer. There is a lot of sadness which I could have resisted. I know. It’s just that I could have however I did not. I could have not acted or behaved the way I did. I could have been more considerate. I know I could have however I did not.

And what it seems now is that yes, this is a gradual process of depreciating. That it is but the time and the situation mirroring the real image I never knew I owned. The efforts, I fear, are going in vain. I fear seeing myself within the walls concocted of repentance, of undying regret, and of sabotaging hatred for not being able to lift myself to the level of righteousness. I fear the fatalistic pit. I fear this novel part of me, the alien, which is emerging. And yes, this time, I do...I do fear me.
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Picture source: deviantart

Blinding Light.

Losing the senses

There she stood in solitude

Blinding light of anger.

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Written for: Haiku Heights #Day20

#Iamtotallyfreakedout.

Crazy things have happened lately. I came to know about a very devastatingly shocking news that an old batch mate of mine is getting married this November. I cannot put into exact words how I felt and why I gulped down my tongue, let alone saliva, on confronting the news. It was HUGE. (Just capslock was not enough, you see.)

The girl is, by birth, a year older to me. But this fact did not bring me any morsel of relief. I was paranoid for the whole day. Not that it is any wrong of her to get married. It's her life after all. What worried me was to digest the realization that we both were classmates, once upon a time. So if she is getting married then that means I have really grown up to the age where people get married.

And if this thought was not enough to ruin my day, my mother stepped in to make it worse. Being abso-effing-lutely dumb, I told the news to my mother, not taking note of the possibility that it could ignite a similar thought in my fickle-minded mother's head. So here comes the bigger part. She, very politely, presented the thought, which according to her was flawless. And it was to get her sweet little daughter (Me, you dumb ass!) married to some pretentious douche, AS SOON AS THE GRADUATION IS OVER.

#WTF.

I so thank god for having been blessed with an uber smart and caring elder brother who came to my rescue that day and not some guy on a white horse. (Taylor Swift has surely stained some pure innocent minds.) He gave my mother a good lecture embellished with reasons on why I shouldn't be forced to get married while I, during the whole drama, was running after Frodo for he had some unknown object in his mouth (And I don't know why Mr. Frodo is staring at me right now, all drenched. Is it raining? No, I think he has taken a bath.. .Finally!)

Though the good talk between my mother and brother came to an end, I have tiny little teeny weeny embers of the fiery thought flying in my head. They make me think that do my parents too believe in the age old cliche that we girls should be given to another family as soon as we step into our twenties? I am aware of the fact that they can't go against my wish or they can't force me. But what if I cave in to their wishes and demands out of societal pressure? Out of pressure of my whole khandaan (clan)? What if?

#Shudders

P.S: 1. If you find me babbling anywhere in the post or throughout the post, then not my fault because like I said I am totally freaked out. :P
2. I came to know that some xyz Punjabi aunty developed an interest in me for some guy in her family owning a BMW. Yes, that was his qualification. Huh! >_<
#Pretentiousdouche

Symphony.

Sketch some symphonies

Intrude them and paint them bright

For they are but yours.

Sketch some symphonies

Aloof from the world's madness

For they are but yours.

________

Written for: Haiku Heights #Day 13

Pepper.

Peppering all over

Happy and sad, Laughter and tears

On the sheet called life.

________

Written for: Haiku Heights #Day 10

P.S: The word 'pepper' has been used to denote sprinkle or diffuse.

Gloss.

Look at the suave chase

Little drops dancing on glass

In glossy patterns.

_______

Written for: Haiku Heights #Day 9

Picture Source: weheartit

When Cancer Frowns, We Smile. Smile Big!

“Switch off the lights when you walk out of the room. We have to save money for Papa’s treatment.” His nine year old daughter told the three year old one.

___________

April 2012

It was a juggle among thousands of crawling seconds. Heavy! Every minute fraction was adding to the anxiety and apprehension. Prayers kept swaying. We knew nothing bad could happen. We were not hoping, we were confident. Things could go a little off the way. But not much. This is what each one of us kept telling to ourselves. With fingers crossed, all portions of love and faith concatenated to God.

However, the worst nightmare came true. It was Pancreatic Cancer.

You know there are times when you try to step into the shoes of someone else so as to experience what he might have experienced. And you just cannot. But when it happens, you’re so overwhelmed with grief and angst that all of the jumbled pieces of doubts sprinkled and scattered in your mind, align in a portrayal of a clear and distinct picture. Needless to say, that was one moment.

The world indeed crushed down to crumbles of sorrow and misery and encompassed us within the thorny walls of unpleasing reality. If it was tough for us, it was much beyond for the man, much beyond the sweep of our thoughts which are filled with trivial and insignificant qualms. It was but inconceivable. It took only a few seconds for life to come to a halt, to a sudden halt and jolt us all with a rough hand to confront the unfathomable truth.

In the initial days of the long journey, believing that the worst nightmare came true was the hardest thing. Let alone gathering strength to begin the battle. I remember watching him on the day the news broke. He had lost quite a lot of weight and looked fragile. My eyes were wet. I smiled and he smiled back. There wasn’t much to say. There wasn’t anything to say.

More than four months have passed since that fateful day. Cancer is now a settled part. We have acquiesced to its presence. But the fight hasn't stopped becuase the man knows that he has to kick cancer’s ass. To say that he is positive or has a strong will, would definitely be an understatement. He has a zest for life. He always had, even before this whole thing came to light. He is one of the few persons in my life who ‘actually’ believes in relishing the present and not getting caught in the web of inane expectations. He is passionate. I see him battling the disease with commendable positive attitude filled with wondrous moments of laughter and glee and tied on a sturdy hook of an amalgamation, of unflinching faith and love.

And somewhere down the line we all are quite affirmative that things are going to be back on track. That this is just a bump on our way to a higher journey. That it wants us to hunt down the real meaning of life which usually lurks somewhere behind the loose notes of a facade. That when it is all over, he will rise up with much stronger wings, teaching us with his grandiosity, to add meaning to our lives.

Because no matter how hard this journey seems now, in the end it will be worth the fight.

(Proudly stolen from his Facebook wall.)

******

P.S: 1. I am glad to have gathered strength to vent out the brimming respect which I have for this man, my cousin, my brother.

2. No pity please.

3. I missed Mirage's second birthday. Uhh..what a doofus I am. Ahem! C'mon people, wish it now.

4. And smile for heavens sake. :-)