Hello twenty fifteen.

Less than an hour to new year.

Peppy party music reverberates somewhere in the distance, in an otherwise calm night. I am tucked in my blanket, hunched over the laptop screen with cold fingers on the keyboard, thinking of words, syllables, sentences to define what 2014 was to me. This ritual to reminisce what a year brought to us and what we gave in return, it is therapeutic and it gets even better when you prepare to bid goodbye to another set of memories, to put a final full stop at the end of another chapter, in the most peaceful manner.

But this time, instead of looking back, I plan to look ahead.

Sure, I had a lot of exceptionally awesome moments this year, but what is gone is gone. They have been placed neatly in my head. It is time to welcome a whole new bunch of memories that are waiting for their turn to treat us with love and hate.

So a very happy new year to you dear reader. Thank you for sticking with me through various dramas of life.

Oh and one last thing, ever since I stepped into law college, I barely got time to sit down and binge read at a stretch. But now as my college is almost over, I have decided that I will read a lot!!! No excuses, nothing.

yes, it's my resolution.

My dear friend Raaji from Writings For Life asked me to share a list of books I read this year. Pretty less, I know. But let the new year come!

__________

P.S: Feel free to share your list of books you read in 2014.

I am the spring.

I will always be your right path.

______

Find your voice.

__________

Months ago, I found this very creative art form by Austin Kleon, a writer and artist from Texas. It is called Newspaper Blackout poetry. All you have to do is take the daily paper and find a poem hidden among words, lines and spaces. Challenging yet so much fun, that is what it is. And I'm glad I finally tried it.

Mad race.

I have slowed down

but i'm still

running,

making my every step,

my every breath

count

in this unfair mad race

that i am a part of

since the day i opened this heart

for you, for him, for her

for them to watch it start

pumping sense 

to my brain and then

steer it

again, again,

time and again

amidst a crowd of hopes

crushed by weak, ailing feet

of envy, of lust,

of betrayal, of greed

running together in semblance

of monsters and angels.

Yes, there are dreams too

there are things like

rains and rainbows,

poems of love and fires of the stars

but they found their home long ago

leaving behind

just these numbed scars.

And now the light is yellow,

we are all on our toes

ready to run faster..

faster than before.

So let's take a moment here

and feel sorry for ourselves.

How beautifully this mad race

has turned us into a mess.

________

Time tells the truth.

I have known you more in your silence than in your words,

your beguilingly pleasing

words.

_______

Crossing stories

It has become an unsolicited ritual

to watch the i in me

prying scrupulously, a thousand moments

and a million stories

with a hushed hope to find its own,

one day.

______

Picture Source

To be alive and stagnant at the same time, is the saddest thing.

There is a piece of madness

         floating furtively along

         the chapped lines 

         of my daily chores

         and that alone is enough

to keep me from falling apart.

__________

Picture Source: deviantart

This.

“For poems are not words,

after all,

but fires for the cold,

ropes let down to the lost,

something as necessary

as bread

in the pockets of the hungry.”

— Mary Oliver

Because even angels fall

After days of working towards my dream, I have finally got a chance to write, to share, to update my little world out here.

It is very weird.. my current state of mind is totally confused. I am confused. I'm so confused! At one moment I feel extremely ecstatic to watch reality, gradually impersonating my most beautiful dream and then in a snap, I come out of it with unbearable stress.

Today, in the morning while I was going to college, my shuffled playlist played a song which I used to listen during the first year. It was one of my favorites back then and needless to say, I used to play it on repeat. The song is 'Even Angels Fall' by Jessica Riddle. It got famous from the movie '10 Things I Hate About You.' and I'm quite sure you must have heard it. If not, then please do listen. It is beautiful!

Anyway, there is this line in the lyrics - "One day it's heaven, one day it's hell" I have heard this song a gazillion times and never before did this line hit me. I cannot begin to express how perfectly it fits my current situation and how I'm in love with this song all over again.

Because you don't always need motivational quotes of great philosophers to heal, there are times when life's randomness makes you feel much much better. So, maybe the next time or the next next time you hear from me, my mind will be more clear with a dream in hand and better words to share.

Till then, keep loving me, will you?

Mirage.

_____

...

And then one day I will brush off the splintered pieces of storm that was once my whole life and gradually crawl away.. uncovered, unguarded but not vulnerable. because fighting fear is the most beautiful yet terrifying way to know that you are strong and that you always have been.

______

Picture Source: unknown

One step closer

Write a song and teach me

how not to be

afraid of isolation

that creeps in when I tumble on

empty grey sidewalks,

or that settles down

like dust

on faded ink of half-filled notebooks.

Teach me how to befriend,

how to make it a part of the skin,

the solitude

of disoriented moments

that exists deeper

than the slow rush of blood

amidst weary veins and black charred bones.

Write me a song.

Make those moments, the life which was

always ours,

an interesting piece of play..

a little more perpetual than the

the lies, the cries,

the people, the puppets, the hatred, the agony,

the miserable nights, the forced smiles,

the only me and the only you.

_________

Paused at Howra bridge, Kolkata

Today, I'll be an inspiration.

There will always be a world swarmed with bouts of drama and cheap gimmicks. There will always be a world where innocence fades to dust like a natural process of fulfilling its only purpose. That world, that place, those people, those eyes will always, always make you feel terrible for once being a part of it. You will be dejected and despaired. You will flutter against the grey walls of their low lives. You will feel breathlessly awful and sad for yourself.. but feeling awful can be a good sign too. You look for signs at every step, at every little corner. Signs and their hidden, mysterious meanings. Here, i give you a sign.
You feel awful because you are not meant to stoop down and feel sharp fragments of hatred all over the skin and puckered fingertips. You are meant to rise! You are meant to go beyond the weary world adorned with amorphous thoughts of weary people. They are dead and the air around them is painfully stale. And you on the other hand, are the best thing you can ever be. Use this sign and take a leap of faith because this is how it was meant to happen.

And learning life is never easy.

_______

Ghar :)

Wish you a very Happy Diwali dear readers.

People look for inspiration all the time, knowingly or unknowingly. This Diwali, be somebody else's inspiration and trust me, it will be your best Diwali gift.

________

The 200th post.

^.^

such is silence..

sometimes it soothes,

sometimes it

haunts.

______

Prompt: Home

september morning

mist on old window panes

winter comes home

____

Written for: Haiku Horizons

Picture source: pinterest

P.S: I haven't followed the common 5-7-5 structure.. just.. like.. that! ^.^

...

When you have bruises on the knee,

there are stories to tell

and a world to inspire.
_____

Let's sit together and talk for a while.

It is one of those phases when you know you want to write, when you know what you want to write, when it is clear and succinct in your head that you want to write but lethargy takes over and you surrender.

Slow but smooth.. that's life these days.

It's been more than a month since my brother moved to US and I'd assumed that the presence of an empty room upstairs would be unnerving but we are gradually getting used to it. I haven't told this to anyone but there are days when I go to his room, switch on the lights, no fan, just sit in his chair and do nothing. Absolutely nothing! I don't know why but this activity has become the easiest way to feel at peace on a rough day or on any other day.

College is nearing it's end. I will be a lawyer in less than twelve months! Even after four years, the question about my future - life after college has not found an answer. But the good thing is that I have made peace with the eternally confused state of mind.

It is unreal that I survived college so far. I'd never thought that I would say this but yes, I don't want this to end! After four years of struggling to sail through law college, I feel a lot less burdened, a lot more confident and a lot happier by not carrying the unnecessary weight of people's expectations on me. Life is so much easier when you live only for yourself and for those who honestly care for you. It is so much more vibrant when you are surrounded by warm and positive people. If I were to give someone advice on how to be happy, I'd say be real to yourself and the worldly facade will disappear on its own.

In another news, Tamarind Rice, a wonderful literary magazine has put me up on their regulars' feature page. I haven't gotten over this dreamy news yet and every now and then I visit their website just to see my name and smile for a while. Click on the link right now!!! Thank you.

To add on, more publications came my way. Few of my haiku poems got published in two journals. It is a superbly awesome feeling when you notice that you are the only person from your country to get published in international journals and that is the moment when patriotism awash your heart.

After around 7-8 years, I gave up my long straight hair to treat myself with a much needed change. Sadly, the cut now looks like before and the length is gone! Whoever says that having naturally straight hair is a boon should come and talk to me. A little bummed over this fact but also, my mood is going happily up because the beautiful season of festivals is approaching. The annual Diwali wali feeling is already here and I am just too happy to be free of any worry.

Okay, that's a lot of talking for now.

Now let's hear how your life is going.. shall we?!

Love
Mirage
______

And then this happened..

I love you for writing the most amazingly precious thing anyone has ever written for me.

While starting this blog four years back, I never knew I would reach this level, I never knew that this journey would become an integral part of who I am and would define me far better than I ever could and that someone would send me a mail telling me how much my work is admired. ^.^

I don't want to make it an award speech, but I really am overwhelmed and I want to thank each one of you who reads or has read Mirage. Thankyousomuch!!!!

Much love

xox

Hush.

Locked up in a paradoxical emotion

I waited for the storm,

and you

gave me-

a lifetime of silence.

_____

Picture Source

Eyes Closed

As these waves crash against the highway cliffs 
I'm so scared they'll flood me where i sit 
Well the roads, they change to waterways 
They never carry home.

________

You will always have you to be with.

It is okay to not do the thing
you want to do for days
at a stretch,
wonder while staring
at the tangerine paint on your pretty feet,
of words
you want to vomit,
of thoughts
you want to
share
with the world that pretends to listen
to care, to love, to smile, to give a fuck.
It is okay to not do the thing
and spend days reading
dirty old notes
of a dirty old man
and not struggle
to breathe through
the serpentine locks of
melancholy
and just be there for a while longer
still, unloving, undying.

It is okay to think of it as a lie,
a joke maybe
just maybe
this could be unreal
But what is the thing
you want it to be.
what is the thing you dearly seek.
a peaceful sleep,
an honest talk,
some mad people to share the madness.

There is always a reason, love
there is always a reason which makes
writers crazy
and when there is none,
they slyly create one.
______

Prompt: Justice

the sound of gavel,

the broken nib heaved a sigh

justice has prevailed

_____

Written for: Haiku Horizons

Of midnight apparition and coffee dregs.

Behind your silent, unperturbed eyes
i'm aware of the currents, love
thrashing against the walls of this
make believe void as i watch you looking across the window
with a big broken glass.

Maybe we are nothing but a drunk writer's imagination,
diabolically giving us dreams
of pretty laughs
and dreamy nights
of callous truths
and inaudible cries

and maybe I've waited too long
for dust to settle down,

but i don't want to shut these eyes.
It is a trick..
shh, the moment will pass
and in the unwelcomed strangeness,

       i'll be lost again

with the big broken glass
of that haunting window
and the biting cold that creeps through
and your tar black mug
and unfinished coffee dregs.
______

Picture Source

The movie that made me cry.

You know how they say that change is the only constant thing in our lives. That this moment, right here is going to pass as quickly as it came yet it will leave a mark in someone's life before vanishing into oblivion. That time changes everything, every person. But it becomes all the more miraculous when you actually identify the gradual change in yourself.

After waiting for months, I finally got a chance to watch The Fault in Our Stars on the big screen today. For those of you who are still unaware, the movie is based on the bestselling novel written by John Green. A novel which breathed life into my heart with every word, every line and every page. A novel which moved me to tears in one chapter and comforted me warmly in another.

I knew I would cry while watching the movie too. It was as natural as the sun rising from the east and setting in the west. But what I had not expected of myself is that I would hate to see many people sitting in the hall watching the movie for which I'd waited so long. The moment I entered, my heart was awash by extreme possessiveness. I felt angry and sad as I had to share it with those many people. The novel was something I loved wholeheartedly, like something personal, only to be felt by me, only to be loved by me. I felt that my personal space was being trespassed by those who were there just because they had nothing else to do on a weekend, who could not even keep their stupid cell phones on silent for two hours. For me, it was a lot more than that. It was like giving countenance to the characters I fell in love with months ago. It was like meeting Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters personally.

It's silly, I know! But I don't want to make sense right now.

The bottom line is that I have changed. From a girl who used to wonder why her mom cries while watching soppy movies to being a girl who has subconsciously started doing the same. I never felt like this before, never cursed people around me for intruding one of my favorite stories and never felt too possessive for fictitious characters. Sometimes you are unsure whether you've changed for the better and this is one such time.

Also, this is the reason why I hate to share my copy of novels with anyone.

_________

P.S: 1. The movie is excellent.

2. During the interval, I ran into one of my batch mates from college and she said she was not enjoying the movie at all. -_-

The Hey Guy.

I have been wanting to write about a person since many months. It happens every time I hear from him but it slips out of my mind the very next day.

Having been a part of the Facebook world, I have observed that there are usually three kinds of people who appear online on messenger.

1. Those who see your message and go offline immediately.
2. Those who see your message, remain online and choose to ignore you anyway.
3. Those who open a small chat with you once in a while.
4. And then there is this person. Let's call him Mr. X.

Guilty of all of the above mentioned situations, except of course the 4th point.

Mr. X was my classmate in high school. Not a friend, just classmate, like the ones who do not even fall in the category of acquaintances because you know only their names. Never talk to them, never hear their voice.. only their names!

Years ago, I removed him from my friend list for some reason which I gradually forgot. After many months later when I received his request again, I added him and went on with my life. But oh dear god, this guy soon made me realize why I removed him in the first place.

I rarely go online on Facebook because I am not much of a social person. But whenever I go, Mr. X pings me 'Hey'.

Just that!

I see his message and go offline or I see his message and ignore him bluntly, yet he doesn't deter. It's been two years and the trend has continued. I look at the chat history and there is nothing but a series of 'Hey' messages lined up from his side.

It is harmless but at the same time, it is extremely irritating. Like water leaking from the ceiling of your room, drop by drop, testing your patience in every fifty seconds while you sit there cursing it to stop because you just cannot fix it by yourself.

I am extremely curious to know why the hell he is acting like a freak who has no life but there is a part of me which is scared because I don't know what it might stir in the head of an already creepy guy or it might bring down the wall covering some greater menace. So I think I'm just going to wait for him to disappear into oblivion. And that my dear friend, is the master plan.

________

There is nothing more tragic than reality.

When small pieces of love
are blown away by a single breath of wind

in a whirlpool of broken sentences,

you stand still at the center and watch them
dancing in disturbed,
tired patterns
till they gradually fall on the concrete, 
placing themselves
like a longing that found its end before life.
You don't rush to get hold of them.
You don't try to put them back in their right places.
You let go, for now and forever
because there is nothing more tragic than reality.
______

Picture source

Naivety.

Tell me, why do you cringe?

Life and death are as amusing as you and I,

embalmed in a labyrinth

which doesn't make sense.

No, it doesn't make sense.

______

Picture Source

one fine afternoon

in the shade of maple trees

a traveler slept
______

Picture Source

June Chronicles

As life moves on,

I pause to cut off the string that troubles

and tighten the one that once went lose.

June has been hectic but a satisfying month. I traveled more than half of the time and the rest went in writing exams, watching Game of Thrones, sleeping and all that stuff you do when you're bored. Some old relations got renewed and I feel so good about it and some not so old ones got buried deep within the crust of past and I feel good about that too.

The highlight of the month is my visit to my childhood place Kanpur. It was overwhelming to walk on that old aisle, to watch the change which the place underwent and yet how beautifully it held the warmth I went looking for. I don't love the city because it is Kanpur, I love it because my younger self still breathes the air of those narrow streets and whimsical junctures which hold so many stories. I love it because it holds close to the bosom the unadulterated innocence, the incongruous dreams which once blustered through my little head and those nascent aspirations which I had forgotten about.

It was lovely to relive the happy times with my friends there. They are beautiful people and it did not feel like we were meeting after ages. It felt like yesterday. My visit was short.. just two days. But it was enough to rebuilt the lost love.

But before Kanpur, I went on a week long trip to Barot with my college friends. Barot is a beautiful valley in Himachal Pradesh which gave me nth number of bitter sweet memories. It would be unfair to not write a detailed travel post on how amazingly well my trip went in the streets of this less known valley. But that will happen in a few days.

Right now, I'm preparing myself for the next journey. Yes, there is one more place left. But it is not for a vacation. It is for an internship. I will be moving to a new city for the next whole month. Myriad apprehensions are making me go crazy!!! But one thing which I'm really happy about is that I will finally step out of my cocoon and live alone in a new city. It's scary but it's equally exciting too. Wish me luck, my friend.

That's it for now. I missed so many posts of my favorites. Hopefully, if the new city treats me well, I will be regular here again.

Much love.
_______

Picture Source: That's me, somewhere in Barot.

Wish me, it's my happy happy.

I turn 22 tonight and I have an exam in the afternoon. End semester exam. Tough subject. Deja vu! International Trade Law- if you may ask. Not prepared. Cannot do much about it. Nor I want to.
I can't believe 4th June is here again. I'm going to miss being 21. Twenty one is good, it's nice, it's special, it's sexy. But 22 is just plain 22, you know!

But no grumbling. I won't grumble. Because it's my birthday!!!!

Things to remind myself-

• Act my age.
• Keep calm (not like one of those mainstream memes)
• Do not leave the exam incomplete just because it's my birthday. Remember- birthday luck doesn't always work.
• Look pretty, very pretty! One must look pretty even while writing a 3 hour long exam on her birthday. It's a rule.
• Do not whine about how my plans are ruined. It is okay, I will get gifts anyway.
• Accept the fact that I'm not going to be twenty one forever.
• Keep away from negative people. Negative people are sad and they pull you in their sad lives. So keep away from them, not just today but for the rest of my life.
• Ask everyone to wish me. It's also a rule. Moreover, I need love.
• Celebrate happiness and shout out loud that Mirage is listed among the top Indian blogs 2013-14 (see that badge on the right?), I'm going on a week long vacation with my friends this weekend, there is a wedding in my childhood town and I will visit that place after sooo long and yes, June is going to be a very very happening month. Yay!
• Lastly, wish thyself.

Happy birthday to me!

________

P.S: If anyone wants to send me a gift, tell me and I'll give you my address. Okay, thank you.. bye!

Prompt: Drift

drifting summer breeze..

she drinks his favorite tea

by the lone window

_____

It feels good to write haiku after so long. This beautiful form of poetry will always be one of my favorites.

Written for Haiku Horizons

Picture Source - weheartit

Saline words on our abandoned sheet.

Because it was the night that whispered endearments in my ear instead of your beautiful mouth and scented sighs, it was the surging silence that implored to be hugged by the midnight love instead of your arms that once found their place around my slender frame. It was a sinuous moment unfaithfully bent at the juncture when it all fell apart, a wilted nonsense of caricatured dreams meekly dissecting our little heads. But I stayed.. stuck and dispersed like saline words on our abandoned sheet; reminiscing the jaded moments, the lost kisses, the discarded hugs that fluttered across the burnt pages while you rebuilt the night's charm with a wistful start and an open end.

______

Picture Source

The real misery lies in walking on with empty souls, beguiling faces and monstrous minds.

Beneath the pouring rain, I found my moment of stillness.

I will smile a little more tonight

for the words that fall

off my parched lips

sliding down through

the veins of

red bricked walls

and cobblestone streets

artlessly tying strings of thoughts

into syllables

into poems..

palate

quenching

poems,

they narrate a tale of how

the wind

whirls

wildly

through the forgotten rains,

and fondles the naivety

of me and

those maple leaves

dancing in the unsettling

summer nights.

And I will smile

beneath the pouring rain

because this life

is a happy life.

_____

Picture source

...

Timelessness

Picture Source

What if it's all untrue! What if it's a very bad joke which adamantly refuses to get over, a lie which cannot be comprehended and brought out in the open, a facade of emptiness, of hollow lives, dreams and laughter which can never be broken. What if his absence has not been lingering in our lives for a year now. A year!

I want to be insane for a while and forget that it has been a year since his battle came to an end and ours began. 

_______

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why..
     -Del Rey

When my fears help me grow.

I don't remember how this fear entered my mind but I've always been scared of cockroaches. I know it is one of the most girly thing in the entire world but even if I hate to be a part of this category, I cannot help it. They are big disgusting insects and sometimes come with wings too. Why God why?!?? When I was in second grade, we shifted to a new city. My mom like always pestered me to meet new people of my size and be friends with them. They came to my place to play in the evening and I tried my best to make a good first impression by flaunting my big kitchen set and feeling proud with every 'ooh' and 'wow' reaction. But all my pride was washed away when a big cockroach entered my t shirt and I screamed in the highest pitch and jumped like a ninja making a complete fool of myself while the little people laughed incessantly. Though that broke the ice and gave me a wonderful childhood, my hatred and fear towards these freaky insects grew to a mountainous extent.

I fear deep dark waters too. I am a swimmer and I learned swimming when I was 6 or 7. Those were the days when I, a four ft. girl could play around with friends in a nine ft. deep pool, all day long and all night too. But as I grew up, this fear of deep dark waters started building up in my head and wrecked my swimming sessions. Now when I step into a pool, nobody in the world has the power to drag me to the deepest portion. I fear that someone might pull my legs from inside the pool and I would eventually drown. And that is perhaps, too much of Aahat (a horror series) etched in my mind.

Then there is fear of elevators. It is attributed to a heart-failing experience where I was with my parents in some old wobbly lift and after going up and down non stop for a couple of minutes, it got stuck somewhere in the middle. It was only when I bawled out and screamed, some people of that apartment came to our rescue. Yes, I was one hell of a screamer! Though I have recovered from the near death experience, I still sometimes fear stepping into an elevator when I am all alone.

Change. This is the most inevitable thing and yet I fear it the most. I fear change! It could be of any form. A change in my regular menu when I visit a restaurant, a change of place where I stay, a change of music that I listen to, a change of people that I like to be with, a change of dreams and aspirations and so on. My friends mock me because I fear to try new things in life. I try it when someone pesters me to but never on my own. And then I'm the one who wishes to travel the world and experience new things. How ironical! May be because somewhere in my mind I have this urge to conquer this fear. Yes, may be this is the reason.

When I am stuck in those days where I have nothing to work on, when I have no aim, no task to do, no movie to watch and no novel to read.. I use these fears and turn them into a purpose. Like stepping out of my comfort zone and be unprepared. A couple of weeks back, I went street shopping alone. I have never done that before and it was a big deal for me because I constantly need someone to fall back on. But that experience, oh it was different. I don't know good different or bad different, but it was something which I have never felt before. Standing alone in the middle of thousands of people and still not feeling depressed. Yes, it was different.

There are many more things that I fear and that scare the hell out of me but I think they are there just to give me a purpose when I lose one. So that makes them good, right! Except of course, cockroaches.

Anyway, you tell me. What are your fears?
_______

Where the world stops spinning.

Picture source

Like the old times

under the shade of the tree

which stands tall and proud

somewhere in the meadow,

we will hush to sleep

the monsters of our mind

and get wild

within the silence

and drowsy smell of summer,

somewhere in the meadow

till the stars show up

and carve galaxies

beyond the lustful vision

lithely bringing alive

our old and sunken

and rusty dreams

somewhere..   

in the wild meadow

we will elude

the daunting lies

and crazy shit

you and i..   

we'll come to life

at the very juncture

where the world stops spinning

where the mess fades

out of our little picture,

we'll come to life

in each other..   

somewhere in the meadow.

______