After shamelessly spending the entire day in bed, I decide to get up and go outside for a while. My brother's room has been technically empty since last seven, eight months and it is his exceptionally comfortable chair that I've been misusing the most. I open the doors of the huge balcony and drag his chair outside. The weather is quite cool tonight, unlike my city's usual scorching weather in March. I drag the chair closer to one of the lower walls, sit on it, lean back with my feet placed up on the concrete. It feels rough and cold because of the evening rain, but I like it. Wind is a lot chilly than it was earlier during the day, a lot colder for my cotton shorts and t-shirt, but I like it too. Sometimes a little inconvenience is what we need to keep ourselves alive.
So I sit there, staring up wistfully at the plain black sky, emerging far beyond those scattered clouds. I watch them stroll past the moon which tonight looks disoriented, almost like my current state of mind. My neck is strained from looking up consistently, but I keep looking.. at the moon, at the pole star hanging beside it, at the frequent airplanes skimming across the night sky which appears very, very close to me. Like I would stretch my right hand up and easily brush the clouds away with the fingers. It is so convincing, my vision, my mind and this very moment which tells me that it is just within my reach and I, like a fool, cave in.
Life has been happening a lot lately. It is frustrating to watch how helpless this reality can make us, one blow after another while all that it leaves for us to do is wait. It strikes and we wait for the aftermath, wait for the formidable future, wait and witness how easily one more life would leave our beautiful small family, very soon.
I'm using all my energy to not think about this but I don't know what is it that I want to think about instead, where should I lead my consciousness to. So I open the knot and let it lose. I let my tired, exhausted mind lose. I let my thoughts drift away with the clouds as I swivel in the chair feeling shivers run from my slender arms down through the spine. Time and again, I like to remind myself how much I cherish the solitude, how much I cherish the quietness, just me breathing with the night, and the wind and the disoriented moon and the star that never fails to shine.
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